First of all in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to say, I wasn’t crazy about 50 Shades of Grey. In fact, although I read most of it, I had to finish the last couple chapters using cliff notes. The reason being, while the concept is hot, and yes thank you EL James for bringing hot sex out in the open to be discussed like adults; throughout reading it, I kept thinking …does she have to be so unsure of herself? Does he have to be so screwed up? Wouldn’t this be so much hotter if they were choosing this, instead of circumstances choosing it for them?
Then, as things often happen in a writer’s mind, I needed information. Research from those who were into it, and those who were not. Experts who practiced it for an evening, a month (there are retreats for such things) and a complete lifestyle. My eyes were opened. First and foremost, even though BDSM is a type of kink, it is most frequently practiced between two healthy minded consenting adults in a partnership that brings them both pleasure. Ah-ha! Now that is hot! Choosing BDSM because it’s fun, not because you are so screwed up, it’s all that’s left. So, what else did I learn 50 Shades missed the mark on?
1) The sub is a doormat.
Just the opposite. It takes a strong person to bend to another’s will without breaking, so to speak. The sub chooses to submit, or not if punishment is their thing. The key is they find their pleasure by giving up control.
2) The Dom is an f’ed up abused child.
The only thing I can say about this is abuse begets abuse. To write about it so flippantly didn’t turn me on at all. Note above where I said an exchange of pleasure between two healthy minded adults. Yes abuse happens, but just like in any relationship hopefully one gets help or does what they need to in order to leave their baggage at the door and not use it to beat the next person up with.
3) My way or the highway.
BDSM is based on trust and mutual discussion. If your partner says my way or the highway, it time to walk. Giving up control for a time, doesn’t equate to being in a controlling relationship. For example, how much you eat and what car you drive is not the Dom’s business, UNLESS it’s part of your kinkery so to speak.
4) You have to be “freaky” to be into BDSM.
Chances are you experienced BDSM in some form. Admit it, when your hubby slaps you on the ass, it stings a little. But the intimacy overshadows the sting and it makes you giggle… or tackle him. Whichever the case may be, you don’t have to be a freak to enjoy it. Over simplified, yes, but the same principle.
Then, as things often happen in a writer’s mind, I needed information. Research from those who were into it, and those who were not. Experts who practiced it for an evening, a month (there are retreats for such things) and a complete lifestyle. My eyes were opened. First and foremost, even though BDSM is a type of kink, it is most frequently practiced between two healthy minded consenting adults in a partnership that brings them both pleasure. Ah-ha! Now that is hot! Choosing BDSM because it’s fun, not because you are so screwed up, it’s all that’s left. So, what else did I learn 50 Shades missed the mark on?
1) The sub is a doormat.
Just the opposite. It takes a strong person to bend to another’s will without breaking, so to speak. The sub chooses to submit, or not if punishment is their thing. The key is they find their pleasure by giving up control.
2) The Dom is an f’ed up abused child.
The only thing I can say about this is abuse begets abuse. To write about it so flippantly didn’t turn me on at all. Note above where I said an exchange of pleasure between two healthy minded adults. Yes abuse happens, but just like in any relationship hopefully one gets help or does what they need to in order to leave their baggage at the door and not use it to beat the next person up with.
3) My way or the highway.
BDSM is based on trust and mutual discussion. If your partner says my way or the highway, it time to walk. Giving up control for a time, doesn’t equate to being in a controlling relationship. For example, how much you eat and what car you drive is not the Dom’s business, UNLESS it’s part of your kinkery so to speak.
4) You have to be “freaky” to be into BDSM.
Chances are you experienced BDSM in some form. Admit it, when your hubby slaps you on the ass, it stings a little. But the intimacy overshadows the sting and it makes you giggle… or tackle him. Whichever the case may be, you don’t have to be a freak to enjoy it. Over simplified, yes, but the same principle.
